Little Sisters and Turtle Shells Taught Me How to Deal With Aggravation at Work

Growing up the oldest of four kids in the 70s and 80s, three years separated me from my next younger sister. She always seemed to be hanging around, spilling my secrets and generally doing all the annoying things younger sisters do.

And we fought – did we ever – over anything and everything. She knew what to say, and more importantly, when to say it for maximum impact to play to an audience.

When we were in grade school, we would end up rolling around on the ground – pulling hair, scratching, the works – until a parent would break it up, and I’d always receive the worse punishment, for being the oldest I should have “known better” and “set a good example” for her on how to behave.

I swear she always started it.

After each fight, my dad would sit me down and talk to me about letting the anger go and not letting her get me riled up.

“Nothing is that big of a deal to let yourself get that angry. It’s not that important. Let the words roll off your back,” he’d tell me.

While at the time his advice didn’t always get put into regular practice, (sisters, ahem) I eventually found it to be quite useful; I would visualize a turtle shell around me and her words sliding off my shell.

After I started working, I discovered just how handy the turtle shell is when dealing with heated situations to keep calm and focused.

It is very easy to get caught up in the moment at work. The day-to-day activities, deadlines, requests and “emergencies” can at times be overwhelming.

All too soon, you lose focus and become consumed in a situation where you have angry customers, employees and managers twisted and yelling at you. Essentially, you get on the ground and roll around with them the same way my sister would needle me until I would engage her in a fight.

Instead of participating, that is the perfect moment to stop, take a breath, pull out the turtle shell and refocus the conversation.

Advice on Handling Aggravation at Work*

- When confronted by someone who is upset, listen to what they are saying. There could be a kernel of truth and fact in their anger, so strip away the emotion and listen. Is the problem a missed deadline? A personality conflict? Use your shell to let the emotion roll off so you can focus on the particulars of the issue and deal with the facts, not the emotions.
- Recognize that sometimes people do stupid things to rile others up to get attention, even at work. It happens. Don’t react, that is what they want. Just move on.
- Wait 24 hours to reply if you are upset. Full stop. If you are emotional, don’t respond to an email or phone call. Go home. Go for a walk around the block. Talk to your family, your friends, your pets, your plants or therapist, just don’t engage when you are in the midst of feeling upset if at all possible. Notice I didn’t say your co-workers – they usually are not an optimal choice since they are also in the same environment as you and can be biased in their advice.
- Focus on the solution and the quickest, most effective and ethical route to get there. When it is time to confront the individual, do your best to set aside your anger. Keep the conversation centered on the solution and your commitment to making it happen. Bring it back around to it as many times as it takes until the other person runs out of steam or is satisfied. Remember, you have your turtle shell to deal with the stingers and zingers they throw your way. You can ignore them and stay focused on the solution.
- When receiving criticism, especially “helpful” criticism, try not to let your blood pressure rise or immediately jump to defend yourself. Imagine: if you were giving this advice to someone else, would the advice be valid? If it holds true, or even partially true, slip on your turtle shell, strip the emotion from what the individual is throwing at you, thank the person and see how you can use the information you received to improve. Don’t drag out and continue the conversation – find a graceful way to exit and ponder what you’ve learned for another day.
- Lastly, follow the golden etiquette rule: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

It would be easy to let the comments, emails and gossip eat away at and bother you. Remind yourself – it’s not that important. If you aren’t going to remember it in 10 years from now, it shouldn’t really matter to you today. Use your turtle shell! Pull it on and let it the comments and emotions roll off your back. You will be more productive, happier and less bothered by the “little stuff.”

It amuses my sister to no end to remind me of how she would get under my skin and drive me crazy when we were younger. I point out to her that her children are taking after her as little instigators and causing mischief.

I’m laughing – oh yes – I’m laughing. I may have to teach her the turtle shell trick after all.

Me and my little sister in 1982.

* This article does not pertain or provide advice on situations where there is harassment or verbal abuse in the workplace. You should immediately communicate those situations to your manager, human resources, legal department and anyone else at your organization that should be involved. This article relates to the typical office-life frustrations in the daily life of a professional.

Conducting a High-Performing Department

Managing a high-performing department is similar at times to conducting a small chamber orchestra.

Both contain the best players.

Both bring together an assortment of personalities.

And both are absolutely amazing when playing well together.

There are many ways to manage a high-performing department and I’m going to speak to marketing departments, since that is my area of focus, but the basics are relatable to other types as well.

I’m a believer in employing a team-based department model. A manager will “quarterback” the marketing program/product/service and then utilize the marketing functional players for a fast-moving, efficient delivery. Hiring high-performers for each of the functions ensures that we deliver the most cutting-edge programs in the industry.

So how do we get high-performers to play together on the same team? Especially when they are truly some of the most talented in the industry – and they know it?

Pick up your baton. This is where it can feel like conducting.

- Take time to find out where their strengths and interests lie. What do they like to do outside of work? Do they like to take photos? Have them help with the employee newsletter taking internal photos. Are they secretly writing comic books? Maybe they want to give copywriting a try. Ask questions and see what other interests they have.
- Rotate “coaches” to work with your employees every few years. It is good to have employees coached by different people so they can learn how to interact with different personalities, ways of doing things, insights, etc. (Here is a good article on the difference between a “coach” and a “manager.”)
- Challenge them. Give them a project that has some teeth to it that will make them really think and expand their skills.
- Develop their skills. Send them to conferences, classes and training. It is critical that they continue to learn and grow their skills, especially in the marketing field where technology changes the ballgame every five years.
- Be honest. Give real-time feedback when a project is going so-so, don’t wait until the end or even the end of the year. Part of learning and improving is making adjustments. Use phrases such as “What about trying” or “Did you think of doing” and solicit responses from them with open-ended phrases such as “Where were you thinking of going next.”
- Meet regularly to find out how they are doing. Nothing formal, take them to coffee or touch base after a meeting. Knowing how they are doing in their role will help to keep the surprise departures to a minimum.
- When conflict arises between team members, diffuse quickly. This can be tricky and delicate. Sometimes jealousy, or a sense of unfairness can build up amongst team members and get out of hand. If you learn of something, even a whisper of something, address it with the individual immediately, before it turns into something larger.
- Show interest. Guess what? They are interesting! Get to know them. You don’t have to cross the boss/employee line, but showing interest in them will demonstrate to your employees that you are not just a demanding boss, but a boss who takes an interest and cares. Looking back I know I’ve always worked harder for those bosses who showed an interest in me.

Is it possible for one person to do each item for each and every employee on a large team? Nope. That is why you have managers, directors, team leaders and supervisors to help manage a department. But by making an effort to be a boss that is human and relatable is noticed and appreciated – and will help the team play – and sound – truly harmonious.

No Goals? No Career.

A Marketer’s Take on Goal Setting

“I’m horrified!” I exclaimed in response to my colleague’s statement. A department head had just said that young people today don’t find value in setting performance goals.

“They don’t set goals because they feel it doesn’t pay out in the short-or long-term,” was the explanation I was given after my outburst. While I won’t get into the debate that ensued in the room on whether the statement was true or false, it got me thinking.

I’ve always been goal-oriented. Even as a child I knew what I wanted to accomplish every day. I recognize that not everyone shares that trait but everyone can and should set goals, especially in the workplace. Because if you don’t set goals, you have no yardstick against which to measure your growth.

Now, I don’t mean getting a promotion or a raise at the end of the year. Sure, those are goals in and of themselves, but career growth is different.

Career growth is about developing your soft skills, technical skills and your emotional IQ.

If you don’t challenge yourself and improve those abilities, you end up limiting your career.

I was lucky enough to have several mentors and coaches who have helped me over the years in my career. And I am forever grateful and thankful that they took the time to guide, suggest, hint and even snap me out of mediocrity when needed.

When I was promoted to manager for the first time, the best piece of advice I was given by my boss was that I was now responsible for someone else’s career development. Their success or failure was my responsibility. I needed to coach them, develop their skills, push them, identify their goals and meet regularly with them to make sure they were able to exceed them each year.

Managing someone is sharing responsibility in that person’s career growth – it’s a 50/50 proposition

Today, I have my staff set their own goals with a plan on how to accomplish them annually. All goal are tied to each of the firm’s major goal initiatives, along with one personal “stretch” goal. We meet quarterly to touch base and see how they are progressing and make any adjustments. I push them to take a class or attend a conference once a year if possible. Something that will get their brain cells moving and creative juices flowing.

This is much more than providing and filling out a performance review at the end of the year. Performance goals are about pushing the boundaries of the employees’ current skills and developing them into well-rounded, productive and happy marketers.

Why do I go to all the effort? Because I want my employees to succeed – badly. I want them to be better than me. The better they are the better the department performs and the better the company performs. And that can’t happen without setting goals.

I don’t care what you think; I just want to do what’s right.

Maybe I can’t say that out loud to everyone I meet each day, but wouldn’t it feel great if I did?

Instead of worrying about what everyone else is thinking, what if we all approached our jobs with the sole concern of doing what is right? Right for the client. Right for the staff members working for you. Right for the company.

What kind of workplace would yours become if all team members were empowered to do what is right? I know some B2C companies, particularly retail companies, that employ this strategy, allowing their sales people the latitude to “make it right” for the customer. But what would that approach look like at a traditional B2B firm?

When I was starting out in my career I spent a lot of time worrying what other people thought of the job I was doing. I was a young, inexperienced kid out of college who went to a small Midwest school and was working in Boston – the land of higher-ed snobs. I spent many hours thinking my coworkers were looking down on me (they weren’t), or wondered if the presentation I finished in PowerPoint was okay (it was).

I eventually came to learn that most of my thinking was the natural insecurity of a 20-something. It took a few years working in the trenches of marketing and a move to Chicago before I had my first light-bulb moment. I discovered I was good at anticipating what my boss really wanted. And I stopped caring what others thought, or asking what another marketer would do.

I started thinking, “what is right for my boss to deliver to her client?” And then would give her that presentation, making her look great in the process. And guess what? It WAS better. So I did it again. And again.

I kept that in the back of my mind as I moved up the ranks and expanded my skills.

Do I always know what is right for every situation? Nope. Not to say I’ve always done the right thing or that the right thing to do is easy, but usually doing the right thing is what is best for the company.

And if everyone made decisions based on doing what is right for the company, well, it would be one incredible place to work.

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